*begin vague rant*
I wish I could have some sort of inkling of happiness. I haven't been entirely content with my life lately. I pick my own battles, & I usually go at them alone. My entire life has been a constant struggle. I always think about the future & how much shit I have to deal with the rest of my life. I can easily cover up certain things with a smile, a few jokes, anything to take my mind off of things.
This past year has really been a test for me. I'm done with being that "nice guy" that everybody likes. I'm mostly upset with myself. Part of the reason why I'm so guarded is because I've been hurt in the past. By "friends" & "family", that I have the least bit of trust in a lot of the people that I come across. The only thing I ever knew how to do was to keep quiet. I guess it is true. I was bound to explode. Maybe I was just waiting for it to happen. idk. I'm really good at keeping to myself though. There are so many things I don't tell a lot of people. There are a select few that know EVERYTHING about me, & by that I mean 2 people. I have to learn to be honest, but I can't. People that I thought were my friends turned out to be nothing but hypocrites. I think it's safe to say that my entire family is full of hypocrites as well. Trust is such a huge issue for me. It's something you earn. Sometimes, I can't even trust myself, as bizarre as that may sound.
I think part of the problem is that I feel that I'm going through all my "battles" alone. I know I have close friends & a few family members I can rely on to get me through, but in reality I'm facing my monsters alone. To the people that think they know me, you don't. You have no idea what I go through everyday. You have no idea how long I've been keeping all this pain to myself. I feel so emo right now, but it's so true. There are a lot of things you don't know about me.
Maybe I'm just done with dealing with people. Or maybe I'm just done dealing with myself.
I could really use someone to pick me up right now. I hate feeling like this.
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Nicely done, C. I know it's hard to write about things without really writing about them but you do it well. For what it's worth: I know you're right in the middle of dealing with something, but I'm glad to hear you say "this past year has really been a test for me"--most of those type of years end in some kind of growth or change, usually for the better even though they're frustrating or the change can be striking. It won't be like how it is now, forever. You'll figure it out (and writing always seems to help me). Keep your chin up, tranny.
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